written by:

MYKEL WAGGONER

What being apart of this program has done for me, and but continues to do for me, is to allow for who I am to gradually, yet surely, have the room and nourishment needed for me to flourish. Which emanates from having a safe space to give myself onto others, while at the same time, offer the means to receive that of their presence as well.

 

This would occur through their willingness to open themselves fully, no matter if their every instinct is close themselves even tighter than before contemplating the thought to be expressive, let alone to actually do it. And because of that, without any need for me to do the same, I'm bound to become enticed by the sheer light of their presence, as it enables me to bask in their dearest of radiance; which has a way of shining and warming the depths of the darkest and coldest of my crevices, through instances of people simply venting out their truth.

 

As if it were hot air used to melt the ice which has surrounded me for longer than I can imagine. I have always been a person that resorted to the notion that I must rely upon myself, and to never consider burdening another with my insatiable needs, or to have another do the same of me.

 

However, in response to "living" such a life, it will have this way of taking it's toll on you. Which is what has happened to me. And it's not as if it came without warning, but that I've grown acclimatized to these sounds screeching within my being. The wails that would echo throughout the dwellings of my soul. Their voices would eventually become lullabies that I could depend on to keep me company, so that I wouldn't have the incentive to recognize the intent of their expression.

 

Therefore, to cease from this self-inflicted neglect, it would become apparent that something has been calling, or rather, yearning for a sustainable change to transpire in the process. To have others embrace what was, and is in fear of being held, in risk of those very hands to be that which may harm me.

 

Since the option to perpetuate this exhausting cycle would come at too great of a cost. And what an immeasurably fulfilling investment it has been. After years and years of denying myself the opportunity to emotionally be fed, clothed, sheltered, and to experience the Sovereignty to traverse the realms that exist from within my being.

 

Through being offered a communal display of Vulnerability, Curiosity, Tenacity, and Receptivity. A family that functions in such contrast to what many of us have ever come across. So that it will serve to rewrite the stories of anguish that would plague our every waking thought, and have it transform into a narrative of redemption and reclamation.

 

All for the purpose of having our hands be joined in celebration, in order to pull each other from the mountain of ash that we have been submerged in, with the inevitability that our mutual acts of guidance, will be conducive towards making room and giving way to the phoenixes being reborn from this endeavor.

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copyright © 2020 Julia Phoenix Eleven.

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*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychotherapist or psychiatrist, and cannot offer medical or psychiatric advice.

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